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Elite sport should not carry on. While The Fiver has wilfully sat at home with 7,327 toilet rolls and endless tins of baked beans (just in case we run out of water for the bath), perched in front of the Keeping Up Appearances boxset, professional footballers have been galavanting with vigour, hosting Christmas and New Year’s Eve parties with gay abandon to give the authorities the nudge they need to STOP FOOTBALL!

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