The comedian likes to visit imaginary cafés and sleep through jobs

I wake up at… The front door, sometimes, car keys in hand. The sleepwalking is getting so bad now that I have had to invest in a steering lock. Breakfast is French toast. It’s very similar to English toast. The only difference is, when I’m eating it, a Turkish friend comes round and insults me.

Do you exercise? I used to play Sunday football, but I have all but given up, because I’m too old and fat. After a 45-minute match I’d end up spending the rest of the day recovering in bed with baby oil and painkillers, knackered; a full 90 minutes would write off my whole week.

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