There’s nothing to be gained getting cross at everyone who makes a bad call – the collective effort has been commendable

What did you do in the culture wars, Daddy? Cue the haunted stare across the parlour room, the weak-chinned stammer, the single bead of sweat above the starched collar.

Well, I … That is … I struggled to come up with relentlessly partisan opinions. I was unable to be convincingly enraged on a daily basis. And that, children, is why I sit around all day in an Edwardian armchair rather than hosting an urgent new current affairs show or arguing profitably on social media with celebrity chefs.

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